e n t r i e s

OCTOBER 30, 2020

i don't know what i'm doing, i have nothing to say anymore.
nothing is wrong in my life, i just can't seem to find the carthasis i need.

JUNE 14, 2020

i don't write here anymore. i don't know what to say.
my mom sent me a sketch book along w my things.
in it she said she wanted to be closer, and so we are supposed
to write and draw back and forth to build a better bond
because she misses me. i don't know what to say. i feel very inadequate as of
right now. i don't know why. i think i am overwhelmed. i'm anxious.
i've been thinking about moving out. i don't even want to. but i do
at the same time. i would like a bigger/quieter space to work in.
but i don't really want to
spend $600-800 a month on rent by myself. jordan won't go with me.
i dont blame them, i guess i just feel lost in every sense at the moment.
i still don't know what i am doing art wise, it's pathetic. i should
become a tattoo artist, if i even can.
i don't feel connected to anything anymore. i feel useless.
i want to kill myself i feel so pathetic. i just keep doing things to do them
because i can't not do anything but i dont feel anything for anything anymore.
it makes me scared. i'm embarassed. i feel like a loser. i'm not even
so boring to just take selfies all day and post them on social media.
for some reason i feel like i have better things to do. but i don't have anything to do.

JANUARY 20, 2020

jordan and i decided to go to a game store in glenside. on the way there
we accidentally hit a homeless man getting off the bus, he probably was also on
something, considering he walked right into traffic and was barefoot in
the snow. as much as i was glad that jordan and i didn't have to get into
much trouble, it was still unsettling to see how soon witnesses, police,
and the lady in the ambulence were to ignore the guy and just kept saying
"he's crazy".
spending so much time with jordan was really nice. i miss sleeping in the
same bed, and showering, and laying with them, but the distance has been good for us.
i just hope we stay this way. if we do get back together i hope things will
feel this way. i love them so much, i don't ever want them to feel suffocated.
i've honestly felt a lot more secure about things lately and that makes
me feel like things could be better between us in a romantic context.
i don't really care if they were to see someone else. i mean i would,
but i have enough trust to where i'm not worried. i believe they love
me enough to not hurt me in a direct way and to hold onto our friendship.
i really have no interest in having sex with anyone, or even considering
it or dating anybody else. i just don't want them to feel like i am
sitting around waiting, thinking i can't be with anyone else. because that's
not the case. i could do a lot right now and i just have no desire to.
i don't like sex. with my partner is different, but it just isn't
appealing to me anymore. i feel too focused on myself and what i'm doing.
i would much rather hang out with my friends or make art than scroll through
a dating app or looking around while i'm out somewhere.
i feel good about things. i hope it stays calm for a while.

JANUARY 13, 2020

my love for you will last a life time. throughout my whole life, not one person
has ever made me feel so ethereal. you've shown me sides of myself i have
never seen before. both bad and good. you taught me how to love both
myself and others. no words can describe the feeling i get when you
look at me. you see so much in me that i never felt was there before.
i only ever wanted to give you my whole heart with my own two hands.
from the night we kissed until the sun came up, to everytime we've done
this before, to finally forming a path with the art we put every ounce
of ourselves into. i watched you play the other night and it made
me so happy to finally see you smile after two weeks of nothing.
that is all i've ever wanted for you. you are my end game.
"I saw it in your eyes, in your love, you too are swinging towards the depths of
your own being in longer and longer circles. I saw happiness and pain in your eyes
and reflection of the Paradises lost and regained and lost again, that terrible loneliness
and happiness, yes, and I reflect upon this and I think about you, like two lonely space
pilots in outer cold space, as I sit here this late night alone and I think about all this."

JANUARY 5, 2020

i always feel like i have to leave something behind. but everything i do is not enough.
everything i feel is so embarassing. you tie a noose and laugh at yourself in the mirror, where does that get you?
i don't trust anybody. i feel so lost and disconnected from myself. i don't even want anybody to care anymore.
i want to be alone. i can't look anyone in the face. i feel disgusting. i came so close today. i felt selfish.
i'm so scared and yet, i put everyone else before me. why do i do this to myself?